Four Do-overs from My Childhood

"I want to be a grown-up," my four-year-old tells me on a regular basis. Of course, she also believes Band-Aids can heal all wounds and Subway is the most fantastic place to work on the planet, so I wouldn't give her words too much weight. Still, I remember that feeling: wanting more freedom, always looking forward to the next thing.

Well, as an adult, I can tell you, that was crap. Being a kid is awesome. Sure, being an adult has its perks, but they're few and far between (and mostly involve alcohol or chocolate or other things that aren't very good for you).

In that spirit, here are four "do-overs" I'd love to have from my childhood.

1. I'd take every opportunity to sleep. Like most kids, I wanted to stay up late and do what the grown-ups were doing. And why nap when you can play? As an adult—when 2:00 p.m. rolls around, and I'm at work, and I'm forcing down a second cup of coffee that I don't really want just to keep my eyes open—I often find myself longing for my bed. If I was a kid again, whenever someone said, "you need a nap" or "get some sleep," I'd be like, "hell, yeah!" Especially knowing that being a parent means many, many years of sleep deprivation.

2. When people told me to "go play outside", I'd do it. Without complaining. Of course, I remember wanting to watch TV instead of skipping rope or riding my bike...and with the constant access to technology today, I think my kids are even more inclined to be screen junkies. But now, entire days can go by when I don't see daylight. It's dark when I leave for work and dark when I get home, and my daily experience of "outside" is the view from the window outside my office. If I could do it again, I'd spend as much time outdoors as possible. Except maybe in the winter. I hate winter.

3. I'd give my parents a break. It's easy to see in retrospect, but as a kid, I never realized how exhausting it is to be a parent and work full-time. "Chicken again?" my sister and I would groan at dinnertime, much as my kids now say to me, "But I want soup!" Kids never appreciate their parents as people in their own right. They don't understand that their parents have needs and desires, too—indeed, they had entire separate lives before those kids even existed. If I could go back in time, I'd (try to be) less argumentative and more compliant.

4. I wouldn't be in such a hurry to grow up. I remember being so excited to reach certain "adult" milestones: get my period, shave my legs, have my first kiss, go on my first date....If I could do it all again, I'd relax and take the time to appreciate being a kid. I'm not saying childhood is a magical time when all is right with the world, but it is a brief and transitory period that we don't cherish as we should. And we'll never get it back.

I wish I could get my four-year-old to understand how great being a kid really is—but unless I start giving her unlimited desserts and no bedtimes, I doubt she'll believe me. Like me, she'll have to figure it out for herself. And so the cycle continues.

Three Things I'd Say to My Mom Today

Don't worry...this is not going to be one of those sentimental blog posts that makes you cry. But I feel that since I became a parent myself, I've gained a new perspective on some of the things that I didn't really understand about my mother when I was younger. Here are three.

1. "For most of our childhood, you were tired. All the time. Because we were exhausting." - Until I had kids, I didn't really appreciate the amount of energy involved in the daily routine: working all day, preparing meals and school lunches, giving baths, reading stories....Especially at the ages my kids are now, they're very high maintenance; they pretty much always want or need something. And they get up so frickin' early. I don't remember if I did that as a kid, but if I did, Mom, I humbly apologize. I didn't realize just how wonderful sleeping in could be.

2. "You probably worried about money more than you ever let on" - Don't get me wrong: as kids, my sister and I had a solid upper-middle-class upbringing and wanted for nothing. Heck, my parents even paid for me to spend a university semester at Herstmonceux Castle in England. But I do remember my parents worrying about my mother not having enough retirement income (ironic, I suppose, since she never needed it). And now I understand why: when you have kids, it's really hard to save for yourself. In spite of the fact that my husband and I both have decent jobs and earn reasonable incomes, the last few years have been the most difficult period of our lives, financially. Because kids are expensive. The daycare costs alone are staggering, and when you factor in saving for university on top of the regular household expenses...it's crazy. So, Mom, I hope you know I didn't mean to take it all for granted.

3. "I understand now why you went to Winners at 8 p.m." - As an older child, I didn't really get why my mom liked to go shopping at night. Why didn't just she do it during the day? Of course, the answer is simple: because that was the ONLY TIME she could have an hour to herself, since she was a working mom and someone has to stay home with the kids. That's one thing I definitely didn't appreciate: what it means, practically, to always have to put someone else first.

So, Mom, let me just say now: sorry I didn't get it earlier. In the typically ego-centric fashion of children, those thoughts simply didn't occur to me. But what goes around, comes around...I have no doubt that, one day, my kids will have the same revelations about me.

When Life Gives You Lemons...

...don't get bitter. That's the lesson I learned last week.

Have you ever had a time in your life when you just felt as though you were failing to be a functioning adult? Generally, I consider myself to be pretty competent. I work full-time at an often-demanding job that requires me to commute 1h 20 minutes each way. I have two kids under age five whom I adore and keep (reasonably) clean, well-fed and entertained. Life is busy—hectic at times. And usually, I've got this.

Except for this past week. Without going into the details, everything that could go wrong, did go wrong, and I let it get to me. I found myself going into this downward spiral where, with every additional thing that happened, I began to question my capabilities, both at work and at home.

I think one of the most important qualities you can have—in life and particularly as a parent—is confidence. And that's a hard one, as it takes a leap of faith...most of the time, there's no concrete evidence that you're succeeding. 

Plus it's easy to feel as though you are operating in a vacuum. Why do you think there are so many parenting blogs and online forums out there? Because we're all seeking validation that we're doing something right.

But here's the thing to remember: nobody in the world knows your kids better than you. And they need you to set an example; to show them to behave and how to make their way in the world.

So, after a disastrous few days, I said, "Okay, that's it. Now it's time to turn things around." And I did.

We all know that life has its ups and downs, and those down times can seem endless. But the reality is, this too shall pass. And until it does, you can spend the time wallowing—or you can acknowledge all of the things that are going right and remember just how lucky you are. 

Being happy is the more difficult choice...but it's a choice we all have to make.

The Same Boat

I'm at the checkout in the Superstore, packing the canvas bags that I finally managed to retrieve from the trunk with groceries, kids' clothes and other random items while simultaneously taking out my debit card to pay the bored-looking cashier and scrounging at the bottom of my purse for my keys. I glance up, and my four-year-old is jumping right into the middle of the aisle, directly into the path of a woman with a shopping cart. The woman stops abruptly without crashing into her, at the same time as I yell, "Watch out!" 

I abandon the groceries for a moment to pull her next to me and start into my lecture. "Seriously, C—you have to pay attention! You have to watch out for other people! You're in their way, and you could get hurt!"

My four-year-old gives me what I'm sure will become her patented look as a teenager—the one that says, "But I DIDN'T get hurt!" and "You're totally overreacting" and "I'm not really listening to you anyway" all rolled into one. And now I'm holding up the line, and the man behind me is starting to look impatient.

I see women just like me all the time. The woman shushing her wailing baby as she waits in an unmoving checkout line. The woman patiently explaining to her older child why she can't call her by her first name instead of "mom" or "mommy" (the answer to which, by the way, was essentially, "because I said so"). The woman saying "no" for the thousandth time to the thousandth thing that her child has pointed out or asked for or grabbed right off the shelf. The woman bribing her squabbling kids with candy for just five more minutes of good behaviour so she can finish her shopping in (relative) peace.

Don't you see? We all have the same issues.

Having children can make your life seem more insular since so much of what you do, day to day, is focused on your family. So when I have 45 minutes to get the week's shopping done, I see the woman with the fighting kids as an obstacle blocking my path to the yogurt; I see the woman with the crying baby as an impediment to me getting my groceries and getting the hell out of there. I sometimes forget that we are in the same boat.

Life is busy, life is hectic and kids are endlessly demanding. But when you see that poor woman trying to stop her two-year-old from having a complete meltdown in the frozen foods section or cleaning up an entire row of cans that her kid has accidentally knocked over, instead of getting irritated, breathe. And take a moment to give her a little smile or a nod of complicity and understanding. Don't worry; it's fine. 

God knows, we all need it from time to time.

Reality Check

Let's face it: being a grown-up isn't always fun. In fact, it's rarely fun...we find our moments of fun in-between all of the other stuff we have to do, like cooking dinner and doing the laundry and going to work. There's no question that being a kid is a much better deal.

So why, then, when I ask my four-year-old to do a simple task like setting the table, does she freak out, stomp her feet and throw the cutlery on the floor?

Children are, by nature, ego-centric. They can't fathom that the world doesn't revolve around them, their wants and their needs. But the fact is, it doesn't. And life is full of little disappointments.

Our kids today have everything, from Gymboree classes to the latest toys and brand-name clothes. My kids are no exception. Like any middle-class parent—and like our parents before us—my husband and I wanted to give our kids more than we had. To smooth the path for them and pave an easy road into adulthood.

But where does it stop? What happens when our kids realize they are actually NOT the centre of the universe? That, in fact, there's a whole wide world out there that may embrace their presence—but could also do just fine without them?

This issue of confidence and self-worth: it's a sticky one. Too much of it, and you'll get spoiled, entitled kids who mistakenly believe the world exists solely to do their bidding. Too little, and you'll wind up with kids who are too delicate and fragile to cope with life's challenges and move past them.

My four-year-old is bossy, opinionated, outspoken and entirely self-assured. So I worry about the first time she hears the words, "I don't like you" or "I don't want to play with you." I worry what will happen to her self-esteem when she's told, "That's just not good enough."
 
I worry about how to teach my girls how to stand up for themselves—to be proud of their accomplishments and who they are—without feeling that they are owed something for simply existing. And I don't know how to explain that mistakes and disappointments are an inevitable part of life so they'll need to learn to handle them gracefully, whether they like it or not.

I know I can't shield my kids forever, however much I might want to, and that it's my job to explain these things. But they aren't life lessons that I want to teach. Truthfully, I've barely learned them myself.